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06:23 pm
7/27/06

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forlewis
rambling in bend.
hmmmm sprawled on my bedroom floor
sooo sbhgfiubgwfiqnd hot...kinda want to die.
am thinking of shaving hair off due to hotness of head.
shaking a bit ...too much coffee.
really want a smoke ...but wont have one. go me.
wishing i was back in portland visiting sonja...
where there are no regrets and no bad memories.
mmmm wine from a water bottle, yeah im a classy one.
...maybe i drink too much. *shrug* i dont really care.
oh! i just remembered i made popcorn a while ago. i think ill go get it.
think ill go back to ashland soon.
i've grown bored of this place.
i am so very restless.
someday maybe i will be content to just sit.
right now i will do whatever i want and go anywhere.
..well depending on the evil thing we call money. $$$. blah.
crap. must find new job. ewww.
there must be another way...
hmmm, will work on that...
bingo and janga.. all that.
(game over) dot dot dot.
Current Location:
 bend
Current Mood:
 over heating
Current Music:
 subways
* * *
11:47 am
5/1/06

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forlewis
scarfen noodle
Bob in B is GONE! YEsssssss!

I hate when things cost “something something and .99 cents.” just say 3 bucks or 15 bucks. gah. It’s so stupid. I hate pennies with a fiery passion. They are for throwing.

We made cake shaped like a penis for Olivia’s surprise birthday party. It was great, Amanda went and bought penis shped cake molds at the “Adult Shop.” I wonder how well the penis shaped cake molds industry is doing. I wonder what the factory where they make them looks like…probably pretty high class. It is just me or does cake shaped like a penis taste a lot better than regular cake?

I think i have a zit on the inside on my nose. it hurts real bad.

This weekend we crashed a middle aged lady’s birthday party and there were only about 15 people there. She was wasted and was like “I don’t know you! Have some cake, take a button!”

When you buy a new DVD, why do they put THREE of those stupid sealing stickers on each side so it takes like an hour to get it open?? I find it very unnecessary.

How did they think of Nerds Rope? I would have liked to have been there for that process.

The other day I wore two silk slip skirts and no underwear. taws’ lovely.
Current Location:
 Comp. Lab
Current Mood:
 *shrug*
Current Music:
 NOFX- Total Bummer
* * *
03:52 pm
4/20/06

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forlewis
(no subject)
I don’t want advice; I don’t want to be reasoned with. Hell, I don’t know what it is that I want. I don’t even know what is wrong really.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t put words to this feeling. I just know I’ve cried too much lately.
I feel like a complete and total failure. I feel lost. I feel like an afterthought. I feel all alone and it shouldn’t be like that.
It is me? Am I incapable of being happy?
I ache. I long for something I can’t describe.
I feel torn up inside. I’m afraid.
Worst of all…I still miss him.
Everything looks better from the outside.

I’m taking my heart off the table.

Current Music:
 Against me- how low
* * *
04:25 pm
4/4/06

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forlewis
Rose, where did you get that red?
And this is what I wrote:

"I guess we already said goodbye a long time ago…but I just couldn’t rest until I said it again now that you are gone for good.
Not long ago I finally came to realize how you must have felt at the end and I remain forever sorry for how things turned out with us.
I hope you find everything you are looking for and want in life. I hope you are as happy as you can possibly be. Really I do.
I will never forget you and the time we spent together.
rmn"

Current Mood:
 I wish i knew
* * *
07:42 pm
3/22/06

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forlewis
pay no attention to the rambling emo behind the curtain...
I don’t know what’s wrong. But I just feel so small and hollow. Like I don’t know anything. And I don’t. Not really. And they don’t know me. No one does. Not really.
I won’t let them. It’s my defense.

It’s just all these new things mixed up with the old. And I’m trying to do it all.
And I’m trying to be what you wanted. What you remembered. Perfect. But it’s not a fairy tale anymore. It’s real. I’ve never lived with a boy. I’ve never done this before.

And I am terrified. …but I love you. I don’t want you to go away. That’s the scariest thing of all.

Say you follow your heart.
Well, honey you’re just being lost.
You could follow you’re gut.
But how much would it coast.
The night plays games
And the people they come and go.

I’m a nobody girl.


I’m down. And sometimes you just have to be. But I know ill be alright. Because of the look in your eyes.
Current Music:
 Biffy Clyro- the ideal height
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12:46 pm
3/7/06

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forlewis
you can't get anymore perfect, boy.
I’m so happy right now. Everything seems to be pretty damn perfect.
Amazing friends, keeping up in school cause of my awesome classes, and I love my flat mates oh so dearly.
I don’t even really mind so much that my car broke down because I really like walking to school and even when I get it back I’m still going to.
My aunt says she can fix my computer over spring break for free!
True, I have about 80 dollars for the rest of this month and a $246 speeding ticket and a $75 late charge for rent, but there are worse things.
I’ve found that I don’t really get stressed anymore. I just think that everything will always work out somehow.
I feel like I have established a really good balance of my social and academic life.
So in conclusion…things are great even though I’m broke. Amanda and I are just going to have to rob a bank. Cole doesn’t call me “robbinabank” for nothing!
...and i look good in red.

I can feel another epic weekend coming on…

Well there is one thing that eats at my mind. and I wish I could fix it...but if I try ...I have a feeling it would only worsen matters.
Current Music:
 Blondie- Sunday Girl
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12:47 pm
1/19/06

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forlewis
i got the not much sleep last night, dazed and confused, big hair blues
woke up this morning, looked into the mirror.
my hair was so curly and wild i felt like a lion.
so i roared at myself. “RaowwrrR” ..or something like that.

came back from class, walked into my room.
stood and stared around, then sprawled on my bed.
lay there for a while. not sleeping or thinking much about anything.
half an hour went by. realized i had to pee like nobody's business...too much coffee this morning.
now im just sitting here in my cowboy boots wishing i didnt have the blues.

Time for film class. Raowwwrrr.

Current Mood:
 snippy
* * *
05:20 pm
12/1/05

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forlewis
Indubitably is a funny word
So I was looking at the nutrition facts on my box of waffles the other day. It said for one waffle: 100 calories. For two waffles: 190 calories…wtf? Does the make sense to anyone? Is it like a sale on waffle calories? Eat two get 10 calories off? I don’t get it.

Flip cup at Maggie’s tonight…I’m stoked.

Current Mood:
 my back hurts
Current Music:
 against me! - how low
* * *
05:12 pm
11/29/05

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forlewis
Coffee, rain and B+'s
I think it is really funny how there are question marks in some spaces when you look up Rancid lyrics. Because they dont know what they are singing. Ha. Man, I love Rancid.

Its really cold here...bet its bloody freezing in Bend. Still, I can't wait to go home. Ahh Christmas. I can't WAIT to see Alia, Eli, Lili, Zachy, Dan and allll the rest of the amazing Bend people.

I just have to get through dead week and FINALS. DUN DUN DUN.

Current Music:
 rancid- new dress
* * *
12:27 am
11/28/05

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forlewis
i'm sorry everyday
When I was a little kid someone told me that if you wish hard enough for something that it will come true.

Little kids are lied to a lot.

I don’t mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
And I don’t mind wasting the best years of our lives.
And I don’t mind racing through our goodbyes.

Current Mood:
 same
Current Music:
 rilo- capturing moods
* * *
12:55 am
11/23/05

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forlewis
(no subject)
Does it really save all that much time to write "da" instead of "the" or "neva" instead of "never"... no really what is the deal?

On another note I'm pretty sure i am addicited to myspace. Please help. Myspace is crack and Tom is my drug dealer.

Current Mood:
 wishing i had good n plentys
Current Music:
 rilo... its one of those days
* * *
11:35 am
10/18/05

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forlewis
without the little things, nothign matters.
Fall is dazzling. I often find myself completely disconnected from the life around me because I am staring at the auburn leaves fluttering down from the branches of the almost bare trees. I feel like one of those trees sometimes. There are days when I envy them, standing there majestically in the afternoon sun while I feel so small and close to the ground. Days when I feel despair for mankind and for the deepening feeling of hopelessness in my heart.

I don’t want to feel at all anymore. Please, God make it go away. Please.
Where will this end?

Current Mood:
 deadly hope
Current Music:
 rilo kiley- the execution of all things
* * *
06:23 pm
10/10/05

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forlewis
(no subject)
It’s just past 6 o’clock.
I’m watching out the wall length windows of the computer lab as the light of the day slowly drifts away. The hum of the computers and the way the blinds are slanted makes it look like its raining outside.
I’m very cold. And I feel exhausted.
A lot of little problems can always build up until they knock down the inner barrier to the actual problem …the only one that really matters…and then …well that’s when you cry I guess.
And that’s when you realize that you’ve lost all control. And it’s not up to you. And there are worse things…but for now all you can do is give in. and stop. put down you’re heavy burden, sit down on the steps and cry.

Goodbyes are one of the hardest things of all.
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01:23 pm
10/5/05

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forlewis
don't look at me like that
Last night our sliding glass balcony door got stuck...with me on the outside. It was really funny. I thought maybe Amanda had locked it and was playing a joke on me pretending it wouldnt open. but no. It was just randomly stuck. She had to go get our neightbors. So Kevin and Brock came to save me. After they had finished laughing and falling down on the floor, they got the door open. Kevin said he felt lik ehe was at the zoo.

After my class in the art building on Monday, I found myself wondering up to the drawing room. It was raining hard outside as I stood in the dark room with the lonely easel. I walked over to the floor length windows and stared out at the gray sky, the memories of the room floodign over me. I shut my eyes and wished as hard as i could that i could go back, to the very beginning and try again. But i can't. I have made my grave.

I can't wait for Alia and Ali to come. That will be just what I need.

Current Mood:
 drained drained
* * *
07:58 pm
10/4/05

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forlewis
just getting by
The other morning I woke up to a lawn mower and I swear it sounded just like that beastie boys song that they would always play at middle school dances. I tried to sing it for Amanda because I couldn’t remember what it was called…but she just looked at me like I was crazy.

Today we made invitations to our 80’s party and I’m excited. Alia and Ali are coming!!!!!

Amanda is sitting at the “assistant technology workstation” next to me right now and the letters are REALLY big on the keyboard and we can’t stop laughing. I just looked over at her with a meaningful look of pity and said “Do you need some help?” and she told me to shut up. Hmmm not very friendly.

Myspace is being laaame and wont let me sign in… yeah my life is sad.

He looks good in royal blue.

Current Mood:
 blah blah
Current Music:
 sandwich lady song stuck in my head
* * *
12:37 pm
10/2/05

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forlewis
it was the best of times...
Yesterday Amanda moved in. It was so exciting. It was sad for her family because they had to let their little girl go live on her own and I understand that completely. However I wasn’t crying because I get to keep her.
We unpacked her stuff and decorated a little and yes there was dancing. Then we raided each others closets and set off into the night to meet Kevin at some sort of shindig. The actual event was not so great but the night as a whole turned out to be a blast. Filled with the sandwich lady song, random dancing in parking lots, meeting and getting to know the neighbors, free stuff, listening to a really good live band, and of coarse …”SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME!!” Great times.
Today we shall finish decorating and go grocery shopping. And Next weekend is our 80's dance par tay. Hoora.

with everything going on it makes it easy to forget. Or at least pretend to forget. Here I go.

Current Mood:
 woooot woot woot woot woot
Current Music:
 rancid-the wolf
* * *
07:42 am
10/1/05

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forlewis
i remember it so clearly...
Tonight I felt pathetic. Unwanted and unloved. And so alone. Even though there were people all around me.
I came home and fell asleep on my makeshift couch. At around 7 the rain woke me. Falling hard and appropriately on the cold and gray world outside. I went out onto my own little balcony and no one who bothered to look would have known whether the glistening spots on my cheeks were from the rain or something else.
I miss the memory of us. And it won’t stop haunting me.

The world is not thy friend
Nor the worlds law
So be not poor but break it.

Current Mood:
 lonely lonely
Current Music:
 coldplay- warning sign
* * *
09:48 pm
9/28/05

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forlewis
she’s not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for attention.
Things are interesting here. Its like a big board game where I don’t know the rules …much less how to win. I am just a little pawn hopping about the squares trying to avoid awkward encounters. Very difficult when your next door neighbor is you’re ex boyfriend, hot boys 1 and 2 live across the courtyard of your apartment and you have large windows you forget to close, crush number 1 lived in the dorms on the same floor with said ex boyfriend, crush number 2 seems to always like to run into you when you look like shit, and old friends are in the middle of an intense break up. Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Some girl who wasn’t paying attention almost hit me today in the crosswalk. I had my headphones in and wasn’t really paying attention either but, when I looked up there was a car bumper 6 inches or less from my leg. I was barley phased, I just shook my fist, but when I got to the other side of the road I thought “Wow, that whore almost hit me.”

I love getting dressed. I can dress however I feel. Sometimes I feel really girly so ill wear lace or pink or polka dots or bows. Sometimes I feel like I wanna kick someones ass so ill wear…I dunno whatever you would wear to kick someones ass in something “hard core.” Sometimes I feel all emo…ill wear a sweater and hold Kleenex and knitting needles. Other times its sweats and boxers. For reasons unknown to the world, the other day I wore an army green distressed crop jacket with a lace cami under it, a white puffy ballerina-like skirt, maroon soccer socks with stripes, turquoise rain boots, and of cores pearls. My friend Liz said it looked like I was six and my mom let me dress myself and then added ”in a good way”. I can’t wait for Halloween.

This week is going fast. Classes are great so far and I have found something fun to do every night to keep “The Loneliness” at bay. I love walking around campus and people watching. Yeah. Things are pretty ok right now. That is, if I don’t think about the boy for too long. Gah. Ridiculous. Bloody ridiculous.

Amanda, hurry up. Did you know that when Amanda sneezes she must have someone bless her? If she is alone, she will bless herself. Damn cutie.
Current Mood:
 mellow mellow
Current Music:
 against me! - Dont lose touch
* * *
03:36 am
8/9/05

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forlewis
No need for reminding …your still all that matters to me.
I am in a really weird mood tonight. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I feel like crying...but I cant think of a very good reason to cry…except that I don’t have a very good reason to cry. and that makes no sense. And that’s the way things have been lately.
A few specific thoughts are running through my mind right now that I shall try to straighten out into words… even though it may not add up.
I feel it best to start with what im grateful for and end with my fears.
I am thankful for my friends. I couldn’t make it a day with out them. There are three especially that are always there for me. You know who you are…I love you guys.
It is great to have people who i can talk to…and they actually hear me, no matter what I say or don’t say. because there will always be those people will never hear a word..
Sometimes it is much better to avoid doing what you want to do with every fiber in your body because you know its not right in your heart. But my hearts pretty lost these days and its getting harder to follow.
It doesn’t really matter yet anyway.

And of course my worst fear:
What if you decide you don’t want me in your life?
Current Mood:
 indescribable indescribable
Current Music:
 jimmy eat world- polaris
* * *
01:38 am
8/8/05

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forlewis
to you...but, for everyones eyes but yours.
i saw a picture of you today. in it you were sleeping, curled up on your couch. i wanted to run (not walk) to my car and drive as fast as i could until i was on your door step...but i didnt. for lots of stupid practial reasons. reality rules my life.
im glad things are good between us now...but that does not mean i know what the crap your thinking. i dont know what you want.
but im basically breathing for the fact that ill see you nine days. im shaking just thinking about it. can't wait to be in your arms. oh man.

come on in,
i gotta tell you want a state im in.
the truth is...i miss you.
and i'd crawl back into your open arms.

Current Mood:
 nervous nervous
Current Music:
 alk3 - bloodied up
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